Ecstatic pleasure and unforgettable pain often decorate or stain the relationship experiences of women. This blog, "The Fabulous Five: Complexity of Relationships," offers insights into how women perceive and discuss their relationships. It was written by Dr. Donald Farquharson with the help of some friends.
Strong Relationship
Relationships can evoke a range of emotions—from happiness to sadness—and often consist of many interpersonal challenges. Even the strongest relationships are not immune to personality and perspective clashes.
Following my blog titled "Submission: A Woman's Greatest Power," I received strong emotional reactions from many of my readers, especially females. Unfortunately, this led to the loss of several female followers who disagreed with my viewpoints.
I accept that I am no expert on the issues of women and I often defer to those who have had the lived experiences. Still, I offer my humble views.
Five of my dedicated female readers, whom I affectionately refer to as the "Fabulous Five," generously allowed me access to their private WhatsApp group discussions about their relationships. I found their conversations quite engaging, insightful and thought-provoking. I sought and received permission to share their WhatsApp conversations and perspectives with you, my blogging family.
The Fab 5
The Fabulous Five
To allow for privacy, the “Fabulous Five” members were given the names Adasah, Deborah, Esmerelda, Unah and Gattah. On a quiet Sunday evening the following conversation was had:
Adasah: "Tell me how your relationship is going, but in skincare language?" (I burst into hysterical laughter, completely taken aback by a skincare product being used to discuss relationships. Pity did I know that it would make so much sense as I read, engaged with, and absorbed the very deep conversation between the ladies).
Adasah: "Let me start. I had this amazing cleanser that was doing wonders for my skin. Hunni, I was glowing all day and every day!! Then boom, it stopped working. Lord, it made my eyes watery, puffy, red and irritated. It gave me horrible breakouts. I had to visit the doctor! That was about seven years ago. Since then, every cleanser has drastically irritated my skin. Resulting in rough skin, and uneven skin tone, not to mention the dryness!! I am hoping to find a cleanser that can love my skin very soon ."
Deborah: "LOL.... let me try".
Unah: (quickly mocking Deborah) "This sounds like a love life type of relationship..... CORRECT?"
Deborah: (continued) "I used to always use bar soap cuz it was what I knew then. About 2016 I started using body wash, it was good, but took some time getting use to it. I used it for about two years, and then decided to take a break. The break was good and bad for my skin. I decided to try the same body wash again last year, and pretty much the same as before - it is just hard to get use to. But I have been sticking with it for almost two years now . Yh."
Adasah: “LOL ” “Maybe you should find a new brand".
(Deborah is luckier than Adasah; she has a man and is making the best of what she has. I thought to myself, Adasah needs to go find herself a man, cho!!).
Unah: (the shy one in the group): "I don't know where to start," and quickly asked, "Where is Esmerelda or Gattah". She shouted to Esmerelda to "go".
Gattah: (seems to concur) "LOL".
Esmerelda: "Mi noh that eloquent".
Unah: "Gwan nuh man" (begging Esmerelda).
Esmerelda: "so so soap and water me used to use, and lotion. I thought I was ok with it. I decided to try other things to enrich my skin and make me look younger for longer. Now I’m using a face wash, face cream, sunscreen , retinol and I have no complaints. I am still trying to add things to this routine”.
The group chat cracked up from "LOL” to "rhatid " Adasah bawl out.
(Clearly, Esmerelda seems satisfied with her man and is willing to spice up her relationship as she deems necessary).
Adasah: (the troublemaker again hit below the belt) "Nuff products nuh true??.”
(I think it is all from the same product line though.)
Unah: "LOL" “one line”
Esmerelda: "LOL” (Esmerelda quickly felt the need to clarify for all to know) "Oh, the things I use fall under one product line".
(I could feel that everyone’s heart went to a place of rest when that clarification was given. Even me too, as I agree... No sharing here!!).
Unah: (seemingly impressed with Esmerelda) "Eh the more mi read a di harder eh feel fi write, lord uno on fire".
Adasah: "Unah, you can tell us about the product you have been using to stop your breakouts. It seems to be keeping your face nice and radiant" (she went on taunting Unah) "We have seen the glow girl".
Deborah: "LOL" "......wooiieeee........ this needs explanation".
Adasah: (called out again) "Gattah, weh u deh fren??".
(Her silence felt deafening, and I immediately assumed she too was somewhat shy. I smiled to myself. Discussing personal matters comes with many sensitivities. Not everyone is comfortable sharing very personal information, even with their best friends).
Unah: (Finally entered the chat about her skin products), "I never had a skincare routine and it worked really very well for my face. I decided to try a product, but then I started having acne, hextra dryness, itching... the whole works. I tried to fix the issues but then I stopped, really because of frustration, and then boom four years ago a new 3 in 1 product: cleanser and moisturizer with sunscreen pop up and I've been glowing.... Every now and then I get breakouts, but I just add prayers to the routine because perfect skin is hard to achieve."
Skincare Products & Relationships
Adasah: (quickly hits back) "Well said".
Esmerelda: Deborah, “what yuh love abt the body wash????? Cause yuh still a use it”.
Deborah: "It leaves my skin feeling good most of the times... sometimes its too drying and other times it is hard to wash off. I am still trying to get the perfect balance ."
Unah: (to Adasah) “Every single cleanser irritate yuh skin fren??”
Adasah: (tersely highlighted) "Every single one!!!! The one called White Delight wasn’t bad at 1st, but then it caused irritation and I decided I wasn’t going back to bad skin again”.
Deborah: “LOL, yeah girl”.
Adasah: "You know which one was the most offensive Unah?? It was sooo harsh it even burned my skin”.
(The ladies reacted with faces of surprised emoji, considering the traumatic impact Adasah’s last relationship was..... what an experience!)
Unah: (seemingly confused asked) "since the new breakouts".
Adasah: (trying to drag Unah’s memory) "It was the last product I used".
Unah: (seemingly a big supporter of Adasah) "Gurl mi bar dat from the list, suh till mi caah even memba d right name, but we use to call it “sour orange” tuh how it was acidic".
Adasah: (saluted her friend by sending LOL emojis) " ” (and responded,) “dat said one!! there should be no more, dat skin care product should be banned from the market by Jamaica Bureau of Standards!! A di worse product mi ever use!!!!!".
Unah: (after being reminded of the original product name by Adasah) “di ingredients did look real good but dem recall it for misleading labeling. Mi sorry fi d next buyer weh use it and nuh read the reviews”.
(My God, we men get called these colourful words like dog, jhoncrow and acidic...sighhhh... Adasah might need some counselling to overcome the trauma caused by that last “product.)
(Thereafter, the ladies all asked Esmerelda) “what would you recommend to the rest of us for younger looking skin?”
Esmerelda: (conduct) "monthly assessments, to see what you've been using and if it really a help/works. Never be afraid to move away from the norm, as long as it works for you. One size does not fit all. Invest in the expensive products too, cause sometimes cheap nuh good, like getting professional insight too, fi assess skin type and give tips of different products and strategies”.
(All the ladies reacted to her recommendations with a heart emoji and Unah expressed her appreciation by saying).
Unah: “thanks fren, very good recommendations.... I”ll definitely consider them”.
Adasah: (while Adasah said) “I loooove this!! Well said!! Beautifully said ”.
Gattah: (finally entered the chat and confessed) "Me still a figure out my routine".
Esmerelda: (continued) “books too, nuff books deh bout weh we can read about our skin and what to use. Oh, figet you nuh like read (targeted at Unah)”.
Adasah: "all good points friends... I’m just here soaking it all in. To think I was afraid of letting go off the one that cuz so much irritation to my eyes. Never be afraid to move away from the norm!!! One size does not fit all!! Invest!! Listen to audio books guys - solid point."
Unah: (final words) "I've also learned that sometimes it's not the product.... it's your skin or the application methods. It's very important to read the instructions.... And if it burns it's not necessarily because it's working."
Impressive conversation ladies, I thought to myself with a smile on my face.
Fab 5 Interviews
Questions & Answers
I felt it was necessary to seek further insights from the “Fabulous Five”, so I asked the ladies the following questions:
Q: Adasah: Do you think that the trauma and hurt you sustained from previous products, impacts your ability to select new products?
A: It has impacted my ability to select new products in a positive manner. I took time to allow my skin to heal. I now have a better understanding of what works for me and what doesn't. It has also shown me that products that may work well for others just don't agree with my skin. So now I'm very mindful of choosing my products, with a little guidance, of course, as I now have a better understanding of what doesn't work for me!
Q: Deborah: Why do you keep using a product that has not produced significant results for you in the past?
A: My honest answer is I’m hoping that the product will produce the results that the manufacturer has been advertising with time.
Q: Esmeralda: You seem very satisfied with your routine. What exactly have you done to “improved” your routine and why the need to “add”?
A: To improve the routine, exfoliants work well, smooth out the rough edges (even the skin tone), clean the clogged pores, etc. Despite being “ok” with the current routine, I always try to evolve and be informed of new products and conduct research, there is no issue with exploring products that you might find works better for you.
Q: Unah: Do you think you are putting yourself at risk by dedicating yourself to one product?
A: No, I don’t think so. The product has been working well with my skin and even though I can’t predict the future, it wouldn’t make sense to discontinue given that I’m getting good results. Let’s hope the manufacturer doesn’t change the quality of the product over time.
Q: Gattah: Given that you do not have a routine at this time, what are the top three things you look for in a prospective product?
A: Ok.... in a product I want to see something that would go for my skin... yes there are a lot out there but to choose would be a tad hard... but with talk and guidance I want something that will suit my skin that will give me the glow.... moisturizers and all... So (1) Honest product that produces what is advertised, (2) Longevity, natural with no expiration date and (3) Consistency, so I stay glowed up.
Intimacy & Relationship
Dr. DF Views
Men sometimes find it extremely difficult to rationalize and understand how a woman thinks and operates. At the risk of driving away my avid followers again, here are my major takeaways from the "Fabulous Five" discussions”:
Lack of Dating - I think in our culture, we have not been taught the art of dating. Dating should be used to fully assess if the person you are engaging with is truly compatible with you. To properly assess a potential partner requires time and deliberate action to know the person. It also means quickly and proactively moving on when a possible partner is not deemed suitable.
Intimacy too Early in a Relationship - Unfortunately, often some women give up their ‘love bud’ quickly. For many women, once they are intimate with a man, they consider him as her man. However, a great sexual lover might not necessarily make for a good 3 in 1. This is especially true when most women are eager to find a provider, protector, and partner.
Long-Term Carriers of Baggage is Bad - Sometimes it is hard for a person to move on from a bad relationship. This baggage has a great impact on the success of future relationships. Some persons select a new partner primarily to get over the hurt and pain from their previous relationship. It is always best to resolve the traumas caused by past relationships before starting a new one.
Multiple Engagements are Good - I believe in engaging with multiple partners before settling down with one. A diverse life experience teaches us all to make better decisions. Exposing yourself to multiple traits gives you the best opportunity to identify those you are truly compatible with. However, this is not a call for promiscuity it is a request to explore and expose yourself to various experiences.
Creating New Knowledge is Helpful - My blogs are intended to provide different viewpoints on the subjects I write about. No one is too young or too old to learn something new. Researching new knowledge through reading and engaging with others is incredibly powerful. All relationships will benefit significantly from greater social, educational, and spiritual exposure.
Self-Evaluation is Key - Self-evaluation is the key in all relationships, before you critique your partner you should be your own hardest critic. It's essential to consistently evaluate ourselves before passing judgment on others. Strong and open communication in a relationship allows for greater understanding and consequently greater respect for each other.
Conclusion
Women and men often have different perspectives on relationships. Women may emphasize emotional connection, love, and affection, placing high value on faithfulness, trust, and security. On the other hand, men approach relationships more pragmatically, viewing them as partnerships aimed at achieving specific goals, such as building a family, home, or career. The skincare analogy humorously highlights how some women think about relationships—recognizing that "one size does not fit all" and that "sometimes, cheap isn't good."
May we all find the product that is best suited for our skins..... the ones that keep us growing and glowing!!
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I love the skin care analogies. Those girls sound really fun. Your views were really on point. We really don’t take the time to date properly as women. Thank you for this female POV Dr. F. 👏🏿👏🏿